Secret Love

I was in love with a boy and my mommy could tell. Well, according to her the blind could tell too! It was years ago when I was in Jordan for the summer vacation. My boyfriend (currently husband) and I were sitting in a public coffee shop two meters apart pretending to be nothing more than casual acquaintances. We restricted how often we see each other and did our best to act out some formality in our relationship. We were hiding it from all our Arab friends to limit the spreading of rumors.

My mom is very far from naive though. She could see right through us. Picking me up from the coffee shop, she told me "It doesn't matter how far away from each other you sit when you look at each other with goo-goo eyes." She immediately voiced her concerns about religion, and how unforgiving our society can be to mixed religious marriages. She was very worried, and there was nothing that I could say that would help. I am not leaving him.

She wanted to share the problem and the responsibility with her husband; my dad. And, at the same time she didn't want to lose my trust by telling on me. I could sense all this and I decided I can't leave her this way, and I should tell my dad myself. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy on me, on my dad, nor on my boyfriend.

My dad was sick worried, he slept fewer hours and ate less. We had a two way relationship of trust and respect, of be and let be. But, at this point, he wanted to break the shape of our relationship and play the role of the dictator. But, he didn't. I was already independent at that time. I felt bad that I am burdening my family with all this. I wanted to desperately explain what I have with my boyfriend. But no words can explain it. Love like this can only be felt, it can not be described.

"When the time comes, if you don't leave him, he will leave you" My dad told me. "He won't be able to withstand the pressure of our society". "He won't" I replied. I was so sure of it. But, my dad thought I was just being innocent, and that I didn't understand the repercussions of my actions. He thought well of my boyfriend, and he assured me that it is nothing personal. But, he thinks we should stay away from each other in order not to hurt one another down the road.

When I shared my story with a close friend of mine, she was shocked. She was more happy than sympathetic. "You, the supposedly top student and a perfect child, have disappointed your dad and made him worried" She told me with a smile on her face. She had this romantic image of me and my family living a smooth life free of problems. She was always jealous, but now she found out that her perception was not entirely true. Sadly, it made her happy. She couldn't help but compare it to her own life and be glad that there are others who have problems too.

Soon we were back at campus. Living the other reality of roses and butterflies. People around us envied what we have. We were the happy young couple that can't stand a second away from each other. Our anniversary was coming up and I went to buy a red rose for him and a small present. I was meeting him in his studio apartment to celebrate the date. He didn't tell me what he was planning for us. It was a surprise.

It is a small student apartment on the top floor of a high rise building. A sunny room overlooking the university. My boyfriend had looked up a recipe from the internet and was preparing a 4 course meal. He was a newbie in the cooking area, just like myself and most students. So, a home cooked meal was not something I was expecting. In addition, he had got me a painting stand; it was his way of encouraging me and telling me he thinks I have some talent there. I made great use of this stand in the following years.

As I entered his apartment, the stand was sitting there with a piece of paper that said happy anniversary. His smile and his watery eyes moved me. Classical music was playing in the background. The table was set up with candles, wine glasses and appetizers. I found out this day his cooking talents. Yummy, the sauteed mushroom and the asparagus followed by fajitas. They were made not spicy for my low tolerance to hot food. The desert was an apple pie. He had tried to make the dough from scratch but, it was sticky and out of control. We ate everything anyway, it was a romantic meal and there was a lot of love in it. "I was thinking of you all the time while I was cooking, and that made cooking very enjoyable".

The quality time that we spent connecting with each other at the end of the evening is what made it such a memorable date. All of a sudden it was 4am in the morning. We lost track of time, and we didn't want the day to end.

We continued to live those happy days interrupted by the worries of 'will it always be like this?'. Will we ever be forced apart? We need to work hard to get job permits to get immigration status because if we go back to Jordan we might lose everything. We might lose each other and that meant everything to us. This nightmare was haunting us for years to come.

Secret Love is the name of a piece he composed during those years. It is a beautiful piece and it takes your emotions through all the stages we went through. The roller coaster of the happy times that makes you want to jump in the air, and the sad times that makes you scared. My friend broke into tears while listening to it and I thought to myself "Wow, this piece moves the emotions of other people too"

Today, when I listen to it, I remember the roller coaster. I take a good look at my life and wonder how is it that I get to live only the happy periods now. Until this day, we spend every minute that we can with one another. We prepare every meal together, do every sport together and discuss every aspect of the world around us. We relate to each other intellectually and personally, and provide each other with motivation. It's a dream world which exists when I am wide awake.

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